more than just words

loving you feels like breathing it’s an involuntary impulse my body’s way of surviving when my heart no longer responds and even if I wanted to i would not know how to stop i would not know how to erase the memories that linger of your touch the soundtrack of my life is composed by your voice your presence remains present in my attempts to move on but there is nothing beyond you there is nothing beyond us a lifetime of love fulfilled and an eternity to mourn the loss

 you take away the rays of sun and leave me at the mercy of the night sky with no offer of a beautiful sunset or lights to guide my path with you i am in the dark surrounded by the overwhelming sound of doubt and the steady hum of silence a slow and painful torture of the mind a weapon only meant for me a weapon only you can yield when the day no longer serves you i am left to chase your love blindly

she was once so sure of who she was and where she was headed of what she could accept and what she would not treasure of the gift that was her life designed for her alone but once he unwrapped her he took away control and she became the passenger in her own car she developed new burns on wounds that had not yet scarred or healed she became a reflection in the mirror of a girl who once stood with rigour rooted in her values and identity lost to insecurity

with you the grey skies become vibrant and the air feels clear of the burdens we share in a world designed for us to survive and not live a blurred vision with hope and possibilities beyond the happiness of temporarily being with you and i need this to feel something to feel alive to want to breathe and exercise my right to exist but when the feeling is gone and i am all alone when you have withdrawn from what we once were i am cold i am incomplete i am no longer free

the home of those who have seen the world friends of experience and enemies of time their blue shorts saddle vespa bikes on narrow roads decorated with limes and lemons you imagine life here is never hard there is no celebration for blue skies or rays of sunshine that always sit on the cliffs edge before sinking with the day when visitors come out to play in their linen searching for a taste of starch still ironing out their itinerary which has become a victim of the scenery and aperol spritz or espresso sorbets desperate to not become a memory desperate to stand still in Amalfi

sometimes the equator begins to feel like a red carpet premiere  the mountains and oceans a supporting cast in a film about you a film that starts and ends with your eyes a world where nothing out of your periphery lies but you’re an extra in the world a member of the audience in its screening another name on the rolling set list that nobody stays seated for you have no responsibility to perform no expectations to be anybody but who you want to be and there’s a beauty in insignificance

one day I got tired of complaining then my heart stopped aching to be loved and desired by you my attachment disintegrated as our dreams went up in flames a future cremated a present in purgatory and you did not even notice that your world was crumbling too preoccupied to have me on your mind you never saw it coming and it was happening right in front of you you ignored the signs and continued to take me for a ride but your ride has an end your vehicle only has space for one an incomplete journey caused by a dead end and instead of turning around it is time for me to get off no longer a passenger taken for granted by you

the thought of an existence without you  would shatter me into a million pieces  a million pieces which would solely exist to destroy the world for unravelling the threads that hold my heart together and fracturing my only chance at happiness you ignite the world i live in with you my faith in humanity is restored no longer a shadow of myself defying my instincts to reveal only the parts of me which people imagine to be true to the world you are formidable to me you are the world you make me believe in love

we are eggs in your basket filled to the brim perfectly identical so you never have to choose you never have to lose out on what could have been you let us be chosen by you and to be chosen by you feels like a dream a basket so full but still you cater to the team you make us feel like we are the only one chosen by you but when you take us out the basket and juggle us all at once you may get a fun party trick a tick of our approval or your hand may slip and just one may fall because you wanted us all but we all wanted to be the one chosen by you

the pressure of the day ahead my mind is already filled with dread i am stuck in an open box easy to find but constantly lost and i can leave but i am scared of the commitment scared to die but struggling to live in a world where i am separated from the best scenario because optimists always fall and i would rather jump to my demise be in control of my own destruction at least it wont be a surprise that it did not work out and even if it would have i will never know because prevention is better than cure a life collaterally damaged by anxiety a life wondering why i have not achieved happiness

every time you try to connect the signal fails you find something to agree on but reality tells you that you are too different a bond that should be effortless requiring more effort to maintain not enough water to aid its development a tug of war between nature and nurture a product of an environment where nature cannot thrive a flower grown in a dark room where time had to suffice an unfortunate predicament and they wonder why the harvest they produced was dry and limited the intention was there but the actions were not visible and although nature shows that you may be the same nurture proves that that similarities is not enough to sustain a signal that constantly fails you are just too different

they say trauma causes memory loss a way to cope with the pain the vision is fragmented yet the feeling remains but you do not remember why so you wear your heart on your sleeve covering the scars carved by a past clouded with rain  but the truth lies in her eyes  yet you just choose not see  you feel guilty that you love him  when hate should precede  she’s an extension of you  but so is he  and when he hurts her he hurts you  and he hurts himself too  so the memory fades  a way to cope with the shame  your vision is fragmented but her feelings remain and deep down yours do too  still you wear your heart on your sleeve  covering scars carved by a past filled with pain

when the ship is about to sink and you let go of your fear when you let your mind be here in this very moment acceptance will allow you to feel peace in a time of before for just one second a time of endless hope a time when you believed that there was no possibility of a time like this a life that didn’t exist to you a life that is now yours by force of nature by choice of failure to grow in the same direction two trees sowed from the same seed sowed because they were meant to be a solid foundation but when the roots aren’t strong enough and the waves come crashing all you have is the fading memories the ones you never made and this moment

  you are in every relationship quote that i see every romance book that i read every love song that i scream from the motorway when i have to leave you for another week you are in every dream when i sleep without you next to me wishing my reality was not separate from yours wishing the air i breathe was not different from yours wishing i could fill the void of a life without you but there is no life without you the sun rises and sets with your eyes the moon follows you on your late night drive from me you control time and the world stops when we are together there is nothing out there but our paradise a garden of eden blessed beyond measure because within our hearts is where the treasure lies you are in every decision that I make any future that i envision you are the main character in my story and my love for you is the villain

  you are the flower in the field that is yet to bloom the one overflowing with colours concealed by trauma existing in a space you do not belong mingling with those who could not imagine the journey you took to overcome the obstacles denying you access to this field and they are performative allies actors reciting a script methods of their empathy does not resonate with your lived experience and you grew in a dark room so you struggle to bloom in the light you struggle to hide the scars that leaves you feeling like an outcast despite the years of existing within this field the years of dimming your exposure the years of drinking their water because you are not them they will never relate to you you can exist in their field  but you will always be the flower waiting to bloom

the stars are aligned but there is no sense of direction no telling where we are heading or if there is an ending to this journey that sometimes feels so cold stuck in a desert with nobody to hold and the distance it crushes our souls a whiff of frankincense is an essential gift to console me through this trip to which I give my heart and time that I will never get back

  it is hard to admit that you feel alone you are part of the crowd but isolated in a zone that is unreachable your mind is not there you struggle to be present in this gift of life that we share with 8 billion people you are a drop in the ocean a fish in the sea hoping not to be seen by your equals you are not afraid of the sharks and you want to be captured so they know who you are

when you are happy with him but you are curious about her and your blue denim jeans suddenly compliment your pink shirt and the link was always there for you to observe when the rain settled and the sun appeared the painted sky showed the world where you belong a world with no boundaries a world where they do not care if you are he or she limitless outside the binary of acceptance and wanting to be free

  to give is not to receive   or to perceive that you will get what you deserve  you can make all the effort  but may not get what you have earned  you can formulate a blueprint  but you can not lay down the bricks  that have been cemented in a brain that refuses to click  to your switch  a heart that is disconnected  a signal that is lost  a network that has been fragmented  from the start  a foundation built on words and not on actions  a script of a love that will never be enacted 

  i am more than something easy on the eye more than somebody to lay by your side there is more things to explore inside of my mind  i am more than what you desire  i am not just a source of light in the darkness i exist the same way in the day time still you refuse to absorb the rays that i shine  even though everybody else feels it and you remain cold  or maybe you are taking in somebody elses heat  leaving no room for me to compete  leaving no space in your heart to see that i am more than enough  i am more than a dream i am the reality of true love when you scream my throat aches  and when you cry my eyes are not dry  and when you smile my teeth can be seen from miles away  i am more than what you have earned  i give you what you do not deserve  and i leave you with pride that i have not given you all that is mine  because i am more than what you know